I have visited the orphanages here in Bulgaria where the unwanted live.  Children with no parents or children who were simply unwanted.  If you are a gypsy or have Downs or a cleft palate, doubly sad.  You are doubly unwanted.  You are a shame to your family if they even acknowledge you and many are just left to be raised by state facilities.

Being unwanted or unaccepted is a strong motivating factor in the development of child’s view of authority.  It is psychological cancer to a developing child.  He may not be able to verbalize what is wrong, but his psyche cannot help but be formed to inherently hate in a world that becomes self-centered.

They are truants and rebellious.  They steal and curse and spit and rape.  They hate.  You can see it in their eyes.  They are broken.  It is sad.  Sad is too shallow of a word.  God pity those who offend these little ones.

Almost as sad as a child without a family is a child unwanted who has a family.

No, nobody says, “You are unwanted.”  But you know the old saying, “Your actions are shouting so loud that I can’t hear your words.” 

EXASPERATION says, “you are unwanted”.

ROLLING YOUR EYES says, “you are unwanted”.

SIGHING IN FRUSTRATION says, “you are unwanted”.

STARING AT YOUR DEVICE WHILE THE CHILD ASKS A QUESTION says, “you are unwanted”.

LACK OF TOUCH says, “you are unwanted”.

TALKING ABOUT GETTING AWAY FROM THEM says, “you are unwanted”.

You don’t get points for birthing a child.  You don’t incur spirituality by having more kids.

And it is not an epidemic just amongst big families.  In fact, my observation is that it becomes worse the fewer the kids.  I understand that a mother needs a break from three kids under the age of four or some extreme case like that.  I find it hard to comprehend, though, how many parents actually want to take a vacation away from their children.  Kids aren’t stupid.  They will go to where they are accepted.

Nobody looks into the eyes of their week old baby and says, “I can’t wait to get away from you.”  We look into their face, misty-eyed, and promise ourselves that we will be the best parents ever.  Remember?  (Dang it, I have to stop getting so emotional…I’ll be right back)

Ok, I’m back.  You do remember, don’t you?  The vicious cycle starts young and relatively benignly.  Irritations turn into exasperations turn into “I need a break” turn into annoyance turn into conflict turn into hell on earth.  And then she turns 4.  Just kidding.

A little.  Kids need to know that they are accepted – and WANTED!  This is where families who have six or seven or eight kids have to pay attention.  Yes, we know you love the Lord, but do your kids know that you love THEM?  Not just parental, committed love.  I mean love-to-be-with-you love.

It is not normal for teenagers to rebel.  Teenagers who have parents who are more concerned with their (the parent’s) work or their friends or their problems or their ministry or their hobby or their missionary prayer group at church – they rebel.  Teenagers will drift to where they are wanted and accepted.  Slapping a bunch of rules and regulations on them will only delay the inevitable if it is not accompanied by acceptance.

I hope you made it to this sentence.  Acceptance cannot be evaluated by the giver.  It is only – by definition – it can only be evaluated by the receiver.  “Well, I love my son.”  It is irrelevant if that son does not feel that love.

I conclude with a story that hurts me deeply.  I was traveling in Turkey with a couple of my boys.  A good friend of the family was in our room that night.  Just us guys.  We were lying around reading and talking and whatever.  Santino, who was about 11 at that time, and another one of the boys were goofing around while I was lying there talking.  Santino ran over at one point and jumped on top of me.  I was lying down facing my friend and Santino just lay down right on top of me.  I didn’t scold him, but I said a little incredulously, “Santino!”  He jumped up and went back to playing.  My friend, who is 10 or 15 years older than me and who has 7 or 8 kids, said, “You never know when it will be the last time they ever jump on you, just enjoy it!”  I did not react then, but his words went deep and I have wept privately many times over my exasperation with Santino that night.  He is going to be 16 soon.  He doesn’t jump on me anymore.

Loving and accepting your kids is not enough.  Knowing that you love and accept your kids is not enough.  They need to feel wanted and loved and accepted.

If you can’t love and accept them, please don’t have them!  Unwanted children turn to truancy and rebellion.  They steal and curse and spit and rape.  They hate.  You can see it in their eyes.

Let’s get our priorities straight and God pity those parents who offend their little ones!