The political debate whether life begins at birth or before has ebbed and flowed through the decades in America.  Is the baby a baby?  Is it a fetus?  What is the difference between a fetus and a baby?  We know, scientifically, that the unborn baby can hear, feel, sense and learn, yet the debate rages on.  Philosophically, we know it is a debate of morality.  The debate on mortality is answered in one very tough word though – miscarriage.

     Why is there psychological pain in miscarriage?  Why is there sense of loss?  Why are there tears?  Why is there depression?  What is there to console?  Why do different couples every day hold each other in tears and grief over miscarriage?  None of these questions would exist if the baby were just a fetus.  That life is real.  That heart is beating.  Those little fingers grasp, those little toes curl, that little nervous system is engaged, those little ear drums sense sound, and, most importantly, that little heart beats within a few short days after conception.

     What is missing then?  You have no memories with that little boy or girl.  What is that sense of loss that seems inexplicable?  Why can’t we just get over it and go on?  Why do we have dreams in which that little one is running through a field into our arms?  Why can we sense a parting?

     It is a difficult time, but it is not quite like a death in the family.  We are familiar with death and we have learned how to cope or have hope through it.  We have all been to funerals, looked in caskets, stood in graveyards.  Death is more tangible – inevitably harder than miscarriage, but final; miscarriage is more ambiguous and, therefore, sometimes trickier to deal with.

1)  God Has Been Merciful

     I don’t think this is just a connivance of an optimistic view.  God is not bound in time like we are.  He sees the beginning and the end simultaneously.  I believe, in mercy, He saves a life before it begins.  We cannot make our children’s choices for them.  The best of parents sometimes suffer from broken hearts – hearts broken by the ones they love most.  Miscarriage is a sign of the extreme tenderness and mercy of an omniscient God.

2)  God Has Been Gracious

     God has chosen not to open the wombs of some.  He has chosen not to give children to some.  Others have minimized their opportunities through drugs, various birth controls or STDs.  While the experience of miscarriage is difficult and unclear, it could be God’s grace to allow a man and woman to pass through the fire of miscarriage together.  First, the joy of expectation shared together and then the loss of expectation together.  Who is to say that a miscarriage is worse than barrenness?  One who has had a miscarriage can no longer be the judge.  It could be the grace of God to allow a miscarriage.

3)  Name the Baby

     We have had two miscarriages and each time the Lord has led us in naming the baby we did not get to meet.  I encourage you to use a name that deals directly with how God is dealing with your hearts as a couple.  Find something with special meaning for you.  Hebrew names.  Bible names.  Something that will remind you of God’s sovereignty or grace or love or pity or mercy.

4)  Let God Have That Baby

     He gives life.  Do not begrudge Him what is His own.  He hand-picked your baby to skip this life on earth.  Yes, our flesh hurts, but don’t try to hold on to what could have been.  For His reasons He took what belonged to Him.  He is still good!

5)  If You Have Other Children, Don’t Shortchange Them

     If you have other children, then God has a purpose for giving them to you just like He had a purpose in taking the one in miscarriage.  I would be careful with burdening your children with the loss of one that was never born.  Mourn with your spouse.  Share the loss as a family, but don’t lose your joy in the children you have.  You have everything you need, according to God, with the children He allowed to be born.  Subconsciously, your children will know if you are satisfied with them or not.  Don’t shortchange the children God allows you to have!

6)  Mourn Together

     It is not the woman’s job to shoulder the grief of miscarriage.  It was a joint effort and it should continue as just that.  Men, hold your wife.  Women, hold your man.  He may not want to show how deeply he is touched by the loss, but, on more occasions than not, he is deeply grieved also.  Don’t ostracize each other.  Never blame each other.  Hold each other.  Weep with each other.  Grasp hands and walk forward, bleary-eyed, into the future that God has for you – TOGETHER!

7)  Don’t Allow Guilt to Ruin This Life Experience

     Stop asking the question that begins with, “What if…?”  “What if I would have taken this vitamin?”  “What if I had been on this diet?”  “What if I had rested more?”  “What if I overdid it?”  God has declared His will.  Do not allow the guilt monster to plague your mind because it will soon grow to plague your marriage.  Men, squash it from the first inkling in your wife and vice-versa.  It is done.  God took that baby.  It is not your fault.  Do not blame yourself or one another.

8)  Every Miscarriage is Difficult No Matter How Many Children You Have

     We have had two families close to us recently lose a child in miscarriage.  Both families have several children already.  Miscarriage becomes no easier because of how many children you have.  Don’t try to downplay it.  Stay sensitive to life.  To God.  To His will.  It is as normal to hurt with a miscarriage after ten children as it is after one.  In fact, it may be, the more miscarriages and births, the more tender and vulnerable the hearts of the parents. 

9)  Use Your Experience to Help Someone Else

     After each one of our two miscarriages, I wrote a poem to help us cope through the disorientation of that time in life.  The poems opened the wounds sharply.  We wept profusely trying to read them (I’m crying now, dang it).  But then there was closure.  A year or so after, friends of ours had a miscarriage and the Holy Spirit nudged me and said, “Pass it on”.  I have shared those sacred poems (to us) with four or five of our dearest friends who have had miscarriages.  You can now read them here (Eliana) or here (Uriah).  Use your unique experience to serve the Lord.

     Miscarriage is, in the end, an act of God.  Don’t disattach the One Who is performing from His performance.  May His name be magnified through our deepest trials.

     For the glory of Jesus…